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标题: [原创]七律母亲节思亲 [打印本页]

作者: 远浦归人 时间: 2010-5-7 14:29
标题: [原创]七律母亲节思亲
每栽萱草忆慈颜，总向瑶台望眼穿。
苦雨潜声空落泪，凄风着意共含咽。
抱儿课读铭心记，舔犊承恩入梦牵。 最是娱亲堪慰处，三槐并茂已光前！

[此贴子已经被作者于2010-5-7 14:35:35编辑过]

作者: 司马长风 时间: 2010-5-7 21:37
情深语秀，且章法亦可。
“咽”在此应为“哽咽”之意，应读<span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: \'Times New=\"New\" Roman\'; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 宋体; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA\">y<span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: \'Times New=\"New\" Roman\'\">è仄声，咽喉之咽<span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: \'Times New=\"New\" Roman\'; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 宋体; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA\">yi<span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: \'Times New=\"New\" Roman\'\">ā<span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: \'Times New=\"New\" Roman\'; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 宋体; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA\">n方读平。
<span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: \'Times New=\"New\" Roman\'\">“娱亲”一般指亲人犹在世，如老莱之典，用于作古之人，似不妥。

作者: 远浦归人 时间: 2010-5-8 13:18
<div class=\"quote\">以下是引用司马长风在2010-5-7 21:37:24的发言： 
情深语秀，且章法亦可。
“咽”在此应为“哽咽”之意，应读<span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: \'Times new=\" AR-SA? mso-bidi-language: ZH-CN; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-ansi-language: 1.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 宋体; mso-fareast-font-family: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: Roman?; New?>y<span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: \'Times new=\" New? Roman??>è仄声，咽喉之咽<span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: \'Times new=\" AR-SA? mso-bidi-language: ZH-CN; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-ansi-language: 1.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 宋体; mso-fareast-font-family: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: Roman?; New?>yi<span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: \'Times new=\" New? Roman??>ā<span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: \'Times new=\" AR-SA? mso-bidi-language: ZH-CN; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-ansi-language: 1.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 宋体; mso-fareast-font-family: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: Roman?; New?>n方读平。
<span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-family: \'Times new=\" New? Roman??>“娱亲”一般指亲人犹在世，如老莱之典，用于作古之人，似不妥。</div>
谢首版点评，作改：
每栽萱草忆慈颜，总向瑶台望眼穿。
苦雨潜声添怅惘，凄风着意共缠绵。
抱儿课读铭心记，舔犊承恩入梦牵。 最是酬亲堪慰处，三槐并茂已光前！
请再赐教！

作者: 司马长风 时间: 2010-5-8 22:29
“酬亲”二字佳，“缠绵”仍觉不甚妥。“盘旋”如何？有“徘徊”义，可切于“共”。

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