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标题: 七绝四首--秋之韵 [打印本页]
作者: 柳浪闻莺    时间: 2009-11-3 05:37
标题: 七绝四首--秋之韵
序：新人报到，诚请赐教，以期进步。<img src="images/post/smile/dvbbs/em04.gif" />
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">七绝四首：</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="TEXT-INDENT: 31.5pt; mso-char-indent-count: 3.0"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">【望月之城】同题作业</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="TEXT-INDENT: 47.25pt; mso-char-indent-count: 4.5"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">《秋色满园》</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">窃笑柴扉关不住，嫣红黛绿出篱墙。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">疑心菊蕊分秋色，故展风姿诱海棠。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="TEXT-INDENT: 42pt; mso-char-indent-count: 4.0"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">  《秋之流韵》</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">寒霜有意赐枫红，更著姚黄韵不同。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">笃信溪山堪入画，何须叶底赏秋声。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="TEXT-INDENT: 42pt; mso-char-indent-count: 4.0"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">  《秋意黄昏》</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">江枫夕照竟霞红，落骛归舟唱晚风。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">领略黄昏无限意，秋声月色醉人瞳。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="TEXT-INDENT: 36.75pt; mso-char-indent-count: 3.5"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">  《梧桐萧萧雨》</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">萧萧落叶倦秋风，指上寒暄送断鸿。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New">锦瑟羞弹求凤曲，聊听夜雨打梧桐。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
[此贴子已经被作者于2009-11-03 05:38:57编辑过]
作者: 锄月花樵    时间: 2009-11-3 23:09
嫣红黛绿  一般宜用于描写春景，姚黄又是牡丹之名种 更不可用来状秋韵，望参详之，问好！
作者: 又是秋色    时间: 2009-11-3 23:15
有可赏之处，也有可酌之处。当细细揣摩，以期精进！问好！
作者: 司马长风    时间: 2009-11-3 23:16
<p>四首平仄皆对，也得七绝之法。尚有几处小疵：</p>
<p>1、第二首“声”出韵。</p>
<p>2、第三首“<span style=\"COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" new=\"New\" New? Roman?; mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman??>江枫夕照竟霞红</span>”，夕照即含有霞的意思，“竟”应为“竞”。“落骛”之“骛”应为“鹜”。前者指马之奔腾，后方指鸟。诗写黄昏，结到月色，似有不妥。</p>
<p>3、形容雨应该用“潇潇”，如果说“萧萧”是形容梧桐，则叶已落，雨打着光树杆，有什么听头呢？“指上寒暄”不解何意？</p>
<p> </p>
作者: 柳浪闻莺    时间: 2009-11-5 07:48
<p> 根据司马长风老师意见修改如下： </p>
<p><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt\"><font face=\"宋体\">江枫倒影竞霞红，落鹜归舟唱晚风。</font></span></p>
<p><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt\"></span><span style=\"COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times New=\"New\"  Roman\'; mso-hansi-font-family: \'Times New=\"New\"  Roman\'\">领略黄昏无限意，秋声夕照醉人瞳。</span><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt\"></span></p>
作者: 柳浪闻莺    时间: 2009-11-5 07:54
<p>                   </p>
<p>   </p>
<p><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: Verdana; mso-hansi-font-family: Verdana\">谢谢锄月花樵版主，现试改如下：</span><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: navy\"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = \"urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice\" /><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: Verdana; mso-hansi-font-family: Verdana\">寒霜有意赐枫红，更著残黄韵不同。</span><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: navy\"> <span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times New=\"New\"  Roman\'; mso-hansi-font-family: \'Times New=\"New\"  Roman\'\">笃信溪山堪入画，秋风执笔祭鸣虫。</span><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: navy\"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=\"MsoNormal\"><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt\"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>
作者: 柳浪闻莺    时间: 2009-11-5 08:06
根据各位老师意见，修改如下：
<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"WORD-BREAK: break-all; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; TEXT-ALIGN: left; mso-pagination: widow-orphan\" align=\"left\"><span style=\"COLOR: navy; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\"\';\" mso-font-kerning: 0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial\">窃笑柴扉关不住，橘娘携子出篱墙。</span><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"COLOR: navy; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-font-kerning: 0pt\"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = \"urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice\" /><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"WORD-BREAK: break-all; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; TEXT-ALIGN: left; mso-pagination: widow-orphan\" align=\"left\"><span style=\"COLOR: navy; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\"\';\" mso-font-kerning: 0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial\">疑心野菊分秋色，故展风姿诱海棠。</span><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"COLOR: navy; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-font-kerning: 0pt\"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
作者: 柳浪闻莺    时间: 2009-11-5 08:16
<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"WORD-BREAK: break-all; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; TEXT-ALIGN: left; mso-pagination: widow-orphan\" align=\"left\"><span style=\"COLOR: navy; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\"\';\" mso-font-kerning: 0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial\">呵呵，偷懒了，简单移位一下，寒暄本意是想写寒弦。</span><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"COLOR: navy; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; FONT-FAMILY: \'Times new=\"\';\" mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-font-family: 宋体; mso-font-kerning: 0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial\"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = \"urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice\" /><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"WORD-BREAK: break-all; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; TEXT-ALIGN: left; mso-pagination: widow-orphan\" align=\"left\"><span style=\"COLOR: navy; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\"\';\" mso-font-kerning: 0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial\">聊听落叶倦秋风，指上寒弦送断鸿。</span><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"COLOR: navy; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; FONT-FAMILY: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-font-kerning: 0pt\"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class=\"MsoNormal\" style=\"WORD-BREAK: break-all; TEXT-INDENT: 24pt; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; TEXT-ALIGN: left; mso-pagination: widow-orphan\" align=\"left\"><span style=\"COLOR: navy; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\"\';\" mso-font-kerning: 0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial\">锦瑟羞弹求凤曲，潇潇夜雨打梧桐。</span><span lang=\"EN-US\" style=\"COLOR: navy; LINE-HEIGHT: 150%; FONT-FAMILY: \'Times new=\"\';\" mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-hansi-font-family: 宋体; mso-font-kerning: 0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial\"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
作者: 柳浪闻莺    时间: 2009-11-5 08:24
诚谢锄月花樵，司马长风，又是秋色，顽石老师的点评。大受启发，很有收获，此地是来对了，我终于找到了一个学习的好地方。谢四海老师，紫嫣坛主。



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