七律 检点诗囊又一年

任雨读

<font size="4">  </font>
<p><font size="4">时光荏苒岁将凋，检点诗囊又一宵。</font></p>
<p><font size="4">长笑红尘多俗客，每于书舍著高标。</font></p>
<p><font size="4">行文尚缺青莲笔，感世空题尺素绡。</font></p>
<p><font size="4">暮往朝来空缱绻，恨无片字可传昭。</font></p>
<p><font size="4"></font> </p>
<p><font size="4"></font> </p>
<p> </p>

[此贴子已经被紫嫣郡主于2009-12-23 21:13:37编辑过]

天涯游子

行文尚连贯，一宵者一夜也，此处似乎不当。第三句是一种坦荡情怀的写照，后转入了感叹遗憾，前后感情基调不是很一致，变化过于快。倒数二句本是点了朝暮这与长笑时间有重合之感。

任雨读

<div class=\"quote\"><b>以下是引用<i>天涯游子</i>在2009-12-23 22:44:05的发言：</b><br/>行文尚连贯，一宵者一夜也，此处似乎不当。第三句是一种坦荡情怀的写照，后转入了感叹遗憾，前后感情基调不是很一致，变化过于快。倒数二句本是点了朝暮这与长笑时间有重合之感。 </div>
<p>问好斑竹！谢谢点评！ </p>
<p> </p>
<p>这里的一宵也确实是指的一夜，题中的一年在首句中已经表现了出来了，<span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times New=\"New\"  Roman\'; mso-hansi-font-family: \'Times New=\"New\"  Roman\'; mso-bidi-font-family: \'Times New=\"New\"  Roman\'; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA\">岁将凋</span>，一年要过去了，所以来检点自己的诗囊，第二句只是表现的是检点自己的诗文而一夜未眠的意思罢了。</p>
<p> </p>
<p>颔联表达的是平身的坦荡情怀 ，不入俗流。颈联虽是自谦，却着眼高远， <span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" AR-SA? mso-bidi-language: ZH-CN; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-ansi-language: 1.0pt; mso-font-kerning: Roman?; ?Times mso-bidi-font-family: mso-hansi-font-family: New? new=\"New\">缺的是青莲笔，<span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" AR-SA? mso-bidi-language: ZH-CN; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-ansi-language: 1.0pt; mso-font-kerning: Roman?; ?Times mso-bidi-font-family: mso-hansi-font-family: New? new=\"New\">恨的是无片字可昭传后世！也是实话！试想古今多少文人雅客，不入俗流，孤高傲世，真正能如李杜名垂青史者有几？ 所以基调应该是没有什么落差的。</span></span></p>
<p><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" AR-SA? mso-bidi-language: ZH-CN; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-ansi-language: 1.0pt; mso-font-kerning: Roman?; ?Times mso-bidi-font-family: mso-hansi-font-family: New? new=\"New\"><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" AR-SA? mso-bidi-language: ZH-CN; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-ansi-language: 1.0pt; mso-font-kerning: Roman?; ?Times mso-bidi-font-family: mso-hansi-font-family: New? new=\"New\"></span></span> </p>
<p><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" AR-SA? mso-bidi-language: ZH-CN; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-ansi-language: 1.0pt; mso-font-kerning: Roman?; ?Times mso-bidi-font-family: mso-hansi-font-family: New? new=\"New\"><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: black; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" AR-SA? mso-bidi-language: ZH-CN; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-ansi-language: 1.0pt; mso-font-kerning: Roman?; ?Times mso-bidi-font-family: mso-hansi-font-family: New? new=\"New\">再次感谢点评！</span></span></p>

[此贴子已经被作者于2009-12-23 23:15:56编辑过]

任雨读

<p>其二：</p>
<p>检点诗囊暗自憔，时光荏苒岁将凋</p>
<p>恨无一字能传世，空有清怀可动霄。</p>
<p>总笑红尘皆俗客，独于书舍著高标。</p>
<p>行文尚缺青莲笔，秉烛唏嘘又一宵。</p>
<p> </p>
<p>再来个版本</p>