江城子?度晓

静心山石

<p><font size="4">   <br/>逝水滚滚伴夕阳。<br/>望沧海，笑天光。<br/>尽淘沙粒，<br/>自度红尘凉。<br/>万缕幽思随笔去，<br/>灯芯挑，绘纸上。</font></p><font size="4">
<p><br/>词人情怀撒柔肠。<br/>映泉月，奏离殇。<br/>梅冷菊寒，<br/>幽静处孤芳。<br/>千语滔滔无处诉，<br/>凝笔尖，待晴窗。<br/> </p>
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[此贴子已经被紫嫣郡主于2009-12-01 12:46:42编辑过]

静心山石

<p>问好，谢谢点评</p>

浪中行吟

<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">逝水滚滚<font color=\"#800080\">伴</font>夕阳。--逐<span lang=\"EN-US\"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = \"urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice\" /><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">望沧海，笑天光。<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">尽淘沙粒，<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">自度红尘凉。<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">万缕幽思随笔去，<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">灯芯<font color=\"#800080\">挑</font>，<font color=\"#800080\">绘</font>纸上。--摇、素<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">词人情怀<font color=\"#800080\">撒</font>柔肠。--转<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">映泉月，奏离殇。<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">梅冷菊寒，--一春一秋<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">幽静<font color=\"#800080\">处</font>孤芳。--倚<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">千语滔滔无处诉，<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?><span style=\"FONT-SIZE: 16pt; FONT-FAMILY: 仿宋_GB2312\">凝笔尖，待晴窗。<span lang=\"EN-US\"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class=\"p0\" 136pt? TEXT-INDENT: 0pt; 0cm=\"0cm\" 0cm?>红字皆感可酌处，问好吟兄。</p>

浪中行吟

<font color=\"#ff0000\">上字出韵。</font>

四海一棋

从作品中可以看出，语言显得苍白无力，楼主应该多读一些名家词作，进步得会快些。问好！