七律?《荷塘秋韵》

柳浪闻莺

  
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'">      七律</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt">?</span><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'">《荷塘秋韵》</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'">未必寻芳六月中，荷塘秋色韵无穷。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'">风裙婀娜惊蛙眼，雨盖娇羞闭鸟瞳。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'">鹜落浮萍波引绿，花飞水面影分红。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New="New"  Roman'">最伤藕断千丝缕，辜负闲愁两处同。</span><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="COLOR: navy; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>

又是秋色

欣赏闻莺佳作！起句不错，赞一个。喜“鹜落浮萍波引绿，花飞水面影分红”句。起句“未”字不如用“不”，颔联意象不稳，结句唐突。个见，勿怪！

[此贴子已经被作者于2009-11-05 11:38:06编辑过]

张嗣唯

<p><span style=\"COLOR: navy; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\";\" mso-bidi-font-size: 10.5pt\" New? mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman?; new=\"New\" Roman??>风裙婀娜惊蛙眼，雨盖娇羞闭鸟瞳</span></p>
<p>呵呵，这不依然是夏荷吗</p>

锄月花樵

「蛙眼」、「鸟瞳」读来似觉别扭，个见。

柳浪闻莺

各位老师提的意见都很好，非常有道理。我有时间再把此首重新修改一下。诚谢各位老师。

司马长风

楼主虚心可敬。