[原创] 七律 他乡七夕

古邻游士

<p>             <font size="4">      <font face="Verdana">他乡七夕</font></font></p>
<p> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New"><font size="4">牛女年年七夕筹，良宵一夜乐悠悠。</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New"><font size="4">纵情喜鹊人间和，戏水鸳鸯日月求。</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New"><font size="4">春去秋来听鹊渡，鸾歌凤舞拨轻舟。</font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times new=" Roman?? ?Times mso-hansi-font-family: Roman?; New? new="New"><font size="4">坐观明月遥西坠，怎奈归期又一秋。</font></span></p>

[此贴子已经被作者于2010-8-15 9:51:14编辑过]

潇潇一剑

<p><font size=\"4\">起句自然，“良宵一夜乐悠悠”过于口语化了。</font></p>
<p><font size=\"4\">“<span style=\"FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" new=\"New\" New? Roman?; mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman??><font size=\"4\">纵情喜鹊人间和，戏水鸳鸯日月求”，造句显生涩，“人间和，日月求”，对仗亦不工。</font></span></font></p>
<p><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" new=\"New\" New? Roman?; mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman??><span style=\"FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" new=\"New\" New? Roman?; mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman??><font size=\"4\">“春去秋来听鹊渡，鸾歌凤舞拨轻舟”，“鹊渡”对“轻舟”不工，“鹊”字重复。</font></span></span></font></p>
<p><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" new=\"New\" New? Roman?; mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman??><span style=\"FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" new=\"New\" New? Roman?; mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman??><span style=\"FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" new=\"New\" New? Roman?; mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman??><font size=\"4\">“坐观明月遥西坠，怎奈归期又一秋”，结好！“月”又重字。</font></span></span></span></font></p>
<p><font size=\"4\"><span style=\"FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" new=\"New\" New? Roman?; mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman??><span style=\"FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" new=\"New\" New? Roman?; mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman??><span style=\"FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-ascii-font-family: \'Times new=\" new=\"New\" New? Roman?; mso-hansi-font-family: ?Times Roman??>问好楼主！</span></span></span></font></p>

白雪仙子

一剑版好评，学习！

古邻游士

多谢先生不吝赐教，受益！

古邻游士

谢谢仙子！